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Quick guidelines: dos and don'ts
DO ask questions
Questions to clarify, make sure you are talking about the same aspect of the topic,
and that you are conceptualizing meanings in the same way.
don't deliver your truth
Think more of explaining what you think to a 5 year old.
Be clear and note connections to sources and experiences.
DO use we, us, and AND
These words are more inclusive and tend to blunt negative emotions.
don't use 'you' or 'but'
Pointing the finger at 'you' can feel like being blamed and separate you from me in the dialogue.
DO talk about your belief, opinion, stories
Keep the focus on the topic instead of people and or their character - unless that is the topic.
don't pretend to know if you don't really know
Part of the learning is to gain awareness of what you really know and what you hold simply because you hear it somewhere. Sources are important to share and give credibility to your points.
Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most
High Level Summary of this book link
difficult-conversations-summary.pdf (harvard.edu)
Three Conversations
1. What Happened?
2. Feelings
3. Identity
Create a Learning Conversation
1. Purpose
2. Expression
3. Problem-Solving
4. Putting it together
10 Questions Regarding Difficult Conversations.
- Is everything relative? Is no idea/opinion ever just 'wrong?'
- What if the other person really does have bad intentions?
- What if the other person really is difficult, or even mentally ill?
- How does this work if the other person has all the power? (my boss, parent, etc)
- If I have the power, why can't I just tell my subordinates what to do?
- Does this work in other cultures? Sounds very American.
- What if the conversation is not face to face - email/text/phone?
- Why do you advise people to bring feelings into the workplace? Should business decisions be made on the merits only?
- Who has time for this in the real world?
- My 'identity' conversation gets stuck in either 'I'm perfect' or I'm 'horrible'. What to do?
Are you willing to take a belief out of the structure and risk all the others falling down?
Crucial Conversations some key points
Contains many useful examples and practical skill development tools.
- You know it's a Crucial Conversation when: a) opinions vary, b) stakes are high, and c) emotions are strong.
- In this kind of conversation, skilled people find a way to get all the relevant information from others and themselves out into the open. Hence, dialogue begins.
- Start with heart is the title. Basically it's about focus on what you really want, stay true to yourself.
- Start noticing when safety is at risk and don't fall into the trap of NOT communicating at all or of FORCING your opinion down another's throat.
- How to create the safety to engage in a crucial conversation
- Master your emotions. Stay in dialogue, especially when you are scared, angry, or hurt.
- Speak persuasively, not abrasively. Several good skills here.
- Keep listening - especially when others blow up or clam up.
- Finding the pathway from conversation to action and results.
- Putting it all together has ways to prepare for the conversation, crucial checklists and a memorable diagram:)
Link to PDF study guide
crucial-conversations-study.pdf (wordpress.com)
Are you willing to climb into the unknown of someone else's perspective?
How to have Impossible Conversations
Very Comprehensive and filled with tips, even from hostage negotiations:)
HOW TO HAVE IMPOSSIBLE CONVERSATIONS-link to a pdf
How to Have Impossible Conversations Book Summary, by Peter Boghossian, James A. Lindsay (allencheng.com)
Can you allow awareness of different viewpoints without anyone being wrong?
On Dialogue by David Bohm
ON DIALOGUE BY DAVID BOHM
This link leads to a site filled with quotes that are highly insightful. Some from the book, others from other authors.
The point is that this notion of dialogue and common consciousness suggests that there is some way out of our collective difficulties. David Bohm
There is a possibility of creativity in the socio-cultural domain which has not been explored by any known society adequately. David Bohm
Dialogue putting ideas on the table, looking at each, discovering the meaning together...